the aftermath of 'almost'.

Two years ago, I had a devastating breakup. 

I was angry and bitter for a long while, but that really just stemmed from hurt and confusion from a lot of unfulfilled promises. The hurt that stemmed from a wound of rejection and separation- things that would never happen if we weren’t hopelessly sinful as a human race. We weren't made for it. 

However, this life circumstance spurred on a very pivotal season of learning for me. 

I’ve put off writing about this for a very long time. I think I was ashamed and didn’t want to open up the most personal part of my life to the public. I was afraid I would be exposed as deserving of rejection. And as I’ve come to realize, I was even more afraid that I would be exposed as having an imperfect faith (YIKES, my pride is out of control). 

I didn’t want to whine or complain. After all, I know that I have so many blessings and so little devastation compared to most of those I love. This not about me proving to you that my life is harder than yours. I am fully aware that my suffering is only a minimal fraction of what so many experience in their lifetime. 

But I want to share now for anyone out there going through something painful they feel ashamed to share or just simply aren’t ready to share. For anyone who is going through some similar form of heartbreak and shattered dreams. Or, truly for anyone that wants to see the nitty-gritty, imperfect, trying side of my walk with Christ, so they don’t feel alone in theirs.

Two weeks after the breakup, I graduated from college. Being a foolish kid hopelessly “in-love”, I put off my dreams of pursing a career in publishing to stay in Atlanta in hopes of marriage. Clearly, that was a dumb decision (that God has used more than I could have imagined, BIG praise). 

Walking across the stage at graduation, I was broken, disillusioned, and shocked. I had no energy or confidence left in the tank to go pursue my career dreams now that my other dream had shattered. Like many in sorrow, I needed to be with people that loved me and could forgive me for being a lifeless zombie in my healing. So, I stayed in Atlanta close to my family and friends that could prop me up and point me to Jesus in love. 

Now, I don’t want to romanticize my pain. There’s no benefit or fruit that comes from that. If I have learned anything, I know now that my suffering actually had so little to do with missing a relationship or a person and everything to do with exposing my idols and stomping them out. In simpler terms, the pain stemmed not from a woe-is-me experience, but from an "oh, crap, I am so messed up" realization. Which, let me tell you, is an exhausting process. 

I was running from the fear of loneliness as fast as I could, clinging to this faux comfort of a forever-relationship with a tenacious grip. Jesus was so little a factor as I tried to bring comfort to my life with my own two hands. 

I wanted control. 

My idea of control means serving my own desires and wants above all else. Others, including God, became so minimal in my life as I fed my insatiable pride. As I quickly learned, I have no control over life. And as I later grew to believe, that is the best possible reality. 

In fact, demanding control is symptom of a much deeper illness inside me: a distrust in my Heavenly Father. 

I didn’t trust that He wanted good things for me. I didn’t trust that He could restore joy or would even want to restore joy to my life. I was so angry at Him for the pain I saw in the lives of my loved ones. I was bitter at the injustice in the world and the hateful hearts of so many both outside and inside the church. 

I was selfishly bitter that he gave the gift of love and marriage to so many, yet he seemed to snub me. For a while, I couldn’t go to a wedding without sneaking away at the reception to cry in a bathroom stall (pathetic, I know). I had so many questions and angry rants and tearful prayers. Eventually, I was all teared-out. I was replete of words to say and energy to keep walking in my frustration, depression, loneliness. God didn’t give me what I wanted, so I was giving Him the cold shoulder.

Can you tell I had an idol?

The revelation of my deep idol of control stung. It pierced me deeper than I could have imagined, and because I was so tired at this point from mourning the loss of the relationship, I didn’t want to deal with this wound in my spirit. 

I began to numb myself, which if you know me, is not a practice I am typically capable of—I usually can’t help but feel all the things. The numbing stage looked a lot like me spending time with a lot of friends, entering other lives and other worlds through an unhealthy amount of tv and movies, and podcasting my thoughts away.

It was easier for me to avoid thinking. Because, if I thought, then I knew I would have to work. The Holy Spirit is too good to me to not convict me in my thoughts and push me out of my despondency. 

So, like a typical sinful human, I ran. And I really did have some good, blessed times in this season of running. I will never understand the goodness of God in blessing me in this time when I truly least deserved it. Like, didn’t deserve it AT ALL, I was a complete punk.

Between then and now, there was simply time. And lots of it—full of little lessons and growth. I won't get into all the gory details of the past two years. After all, you're alive—you know just how nuanced suffering can be. We have to live every day, and in those days, little things happened that either add or detract from the pain until the pain is gone one day. So you get it, I don't need to explain the nature of typical life to a bunch of living people.

But, as I’m sure you’ve heard, they say time heals all wounds. And from my experience, whoever they are, they are right. Unfortunately, I really didn't want to believe that over the last two years. Knowing that time heals wounds means you have to wait to be healed and feel okay again. And that's exhausting. 

But I think the reason God has designed time as a healing mechanism is because He wants us to exercise the two fruits of the spirit: faithfulness and patience. These two traits of our Creator would be impossible to learn and gain if it weren't for healing over time through the discomfort of hardship.

After some time, all I can say is I’m different now. Harder, less likely to be sad at any given moment—less likely to cry.

I used to think I’ve just grown apathetic, and while that may be true at times, I think God has allowed hurt to grow me a thicker skin. A resiliency that was so absent before, both personally and in my faith. I now understand just a fragment of how some believers seem to walk tall and trusting through hardship. It’s not fake, disingenuous, or contrived like I once thought. God simply grew them callouses of trust over time, and now their lives are a testament to God’s faithfulness to His children because of their faithfulness and patience.

He taught them, like he is teaching me, that He is trustworthy and loving. 

He taught them that His control of their lives is the greatest news. 

He taught them that the redemptive love of Jesus forgives us and gives us courage to walk through even the worst of circumstances. 

He taught them that Jesus’ grace is still good to cover the moments when they forget all the lessons above. 

And He taught them that He will bring them home soon. 

God has given them stamina to make it through this life until the next life, which they were designed for. He has trained them, and me, up in the truth of my favorite passage of scripture: 2 Corinthians 4:6-12; 16-18.

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you…Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Even in my darkest moment of depression, questioning, and frustration, I was never in despair. I was certainly hard pressed by my own idols of control and comfort, but I was not and am not destroyed. And neither were all the other believers that I look up to that walk through hardship. 

I need be honest, if it were up to me, I would have been crushed, destroyed, abandoned, and despairing. I am so weak in my flesh, and the last two years taught me that I am far weaker than I even knew. But that is only aside from Christ. 

In Christ, I am strong. I am confident. I am hopeful. I am made completely new. He keeps his children from despair. He upholds us with His righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). His power in us changes us.

I am ecstatic to say, that I am learning to trust Him and love Him more through every imperfect day. And, man, was that growth worth the tedious wait. 

My hope for each of you is that my story can help you with your story. I hope it encourages you to be honest with where you are and confident in whose you are. 

I have no answers to clarify the road God is taking you down or how long your current season may last. But what I do know is this: He will never leave you or forsake you; He will heal you and give you the grace to keep moving forward. 

He will rescue you and make you more like His Son in all things.

That is a promise. And my life is a testament.

___

P.S.- I’ve gone to 4 weddings in the past year without crying alone in a bathroom stall, so if that’s not spiritual growth, then I don’t know what is. 

___

**If you happen to be going through a break-up of any kind, here are some resources that helped me discern truth in that season:

1. "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton is Empty: What You Need to Know About Your New Beginning"--Book by Jackie M. Johnson (cheesy name, I know. But this book is AMAZING. It's a must read as you walk through the end of a relationship). You can purchase it here.

2. "Shattered Dreams: God's Unexpected Path to Joy"--Book by Larry Crabb. You can purchase it here.

3. "Finding God"--Book by Larry Crabb (I love this guy. He is a Christian Counselor and has so much wisdom to share.) You can purchase it here.

4. "Mountain Breezes"--A collection of poems by Amy Carmichael, a longterm missionary and mentor to the incredible Elisabeth Elliot. You can purchase it here.