waiting eagerly (with strength not my own).: August 2013

It's Sunday morning; I'm walking back to my dorm room from across campus where I had just received my bid to become an AOII. A few minutes up my route, I run into an old friend and her parents whom I've known since I was a kid. Talking to them is refreshing and restful; just seeing their faces makes me smile and feel like a little piece of home is right beside me. We parted ways, and immediately a sadness falls over me. Thoughts of my family are racing through my mind and homesickness sets in. I finally get back to my dorm and immediately dial Hayley. She picks up, and as we are talking I'm realizing that she's feeling homesick too. She starts to say that despite the numerous people she's around, she's struggling to find depth, community, a solid foundation, and it just feels lonely. As she's saying all of this I can't help but begin to reflect on what I left behind when I moved to Auburn on August 10th, 2013.

I left a loving home. Brothers and sisters who I genuinely loved spending most of my time with. Parents who are the most accurate depiction of Jesus in my life. They pray for me, serve me, and care for my most simple (and sometimes over the top and ridiculous) needs.

I left behind friends who know my quirks, best qualities, shortcomings, ridiculous laugh, struggles, failures, victories, insecurities, and the heart of my relationship with Christ.

I left a school of people whom I've grown to exist with over the past four years. Some who I know and love, and some who I may have never talked too. Nonetheless, I felt comfortable there. At most I felt appreciated, but at the very least I felt like a part of it. I belonged.

I left a church that is almost as much of a home to me as my actual home. The body of Christ cultivated at Perimeter has pushed me, taught me, shown me grace, led me, given me leadership positions, and taught me what discipling looks like. Watershed, Perimeter's high school student ministry, was my firm foundation during those four years. All of my best friends were there. My adult influences other than my parents and mentor were there. My mission work was accommodated there. My summer job was there. My study sessions, late night walks, deep talks, parking lot chats that last much longer than anticipated, and good, hard cries have all occurred on that campus. I lived and breathed that church. My faith and my relationship with the almighty God would not be the same if it wasn't for Perimeter. It was by the grace of God that I got to experience the blessings of such a gospel centered church.

I also left an incredible mentor, woman of God, and friend. Christian was so much more to me than just a weekly (or sometimes monthly) get together. She honestly knowns me better than I know myself. She has the ability to uncover heart issues that I'm not even aware of and then hash them out with me. She taught me the importance of diving into the word and building a real, honest relationship with Jesus. She has so much grace and love, and she carries herself with a dignity that can only be found through the Holy Spirit. Her wisdom is so rare and genuine. She is an actual Proverbs 31 woman. If I ever possess any of her qualities, I will stand eternally blessed.

I had left some pretty wonderful things back home, so my homesickness was starting to make sense in my mind. Like puzzle pieces fitting together.

Quickly I begin to relay my epiphany to Hayley, and we commence the discussion about things that we love and left, and an hour was quickly passing by. I begin to tell her that I love her--knowing full well that my conversation with my best friend was about to end and I would be alone once again--but never have I meant it more. I then I hang up and call my Dad. A similar conversation with tears and sadness is taking place. I miss them and I want to see them and feel known again. I catch myself wishing things would go back to the way they were.

Alright, I have to stop here. That was Bid day which was a week and a half ago. The amount of tear-filled, phone-a-friend nights I've had since then are unhealthily numerous. I'm around people all the time but still feel like my soul is lacking communication. Depth is almost nonexistent in any brand new friendship, but it's exhausting to lack depth in every friendship all at once. I feel drained because I don't have anyone to pour my life out to, discuss struggles with, or cry with. I don't feel known or a part of anything. Externally, I belong to a sorority and classes, but internally I feel as if no one truly knows me well enough to determine if I really belong or fit in. The struggle is real, and I am beginning to appreciate the beauty and blessing of what I had in high school and clearly don't have here.

Alright, I need to stop again. That was Monday afternoon. I remained stagnant in the lull of self pity and fear for two weeks straight. I had great times during those weeks, but when I had idle time I began to compare my past with my present and then issues began to spring up everywhere. I would eventually get over myself after every homesick spat and could only end up on my knees in prayer. I begged the Lord for understanding and peace. I needed to be reminded that the events of my life are ordained and purposeful--that I wasn't going through this for no reason. That there was a much larger picture than my own earthly happiness.

He answered this prayer in a mighty way Tuesday morning. He made clear to me that I have been underestimating His power in my life across the board. Every area was covered in doubt. I hadn't been giving Him the credit that He deserves since I moved to Auburn. It's almost as if I decided to try to take the reigns and do everything myself in my social life, and clearly I'm seeing the fruit (or lack thereof) of those efforts. I didn't have faith that He could and will provide me with community. I didn't have hope in the promises He so boldly proclaims to His children in His word. I conveniently forgot His distinct calling for me to be at Auburn, and began to doubt that he had the love or ability to take care of me and my needs there. How did I have the audacity to make such claims against the creator of the universe? How could I possibly doubt Him and His power? Why would I choose to forget that He is on my side and already fought the battle and won the war for me?

My naivety and ignorance baffle me. I feel so ashamed to have to admit all of this, but the bottom line is that I drastically underestimated the power of God.

God almighty built the universe from His own imagination. He crafted each species of plants and animals uniqueIy--nothing the same. He designed the mountains, valleys, beaches, and deserts. He created every human differently: physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. He brought the plagues, parted the seas, turned water into wine, made a blind man see, fed the five thousand, raised Lazarus from the dead, walked on water, took on sin and a brutal death for all of His children which ultimately saved my depraved heart. What an overwhelming miracle. He's stunningly impressive, and does it all for the glory and fame of His own deserving name.

I firmly believe that if I constantly remembered how powerful my heavenly Father actually is, that I would live every day without a care for the things of this world. Loneliness, insecurity, jealously, fear, and shame would have no hold on my life. Everything would change and fall into perspective if I had an accurate view of God. I am certain that because He is capable of such great and mighty acts, that taking care of me in my transition from my old home to my new home will be a simple task for Him. How could I forget that?

So, an accurate view of God will be exactly what I pray for myself and my life, but also for others--that everyone would see God accurately, not watered down, so that he may be appropriately honored, appreciated, and glorified.

He is bigger than _______. He is stronger than _______. He is better than _______.

*Fill in the blanks with anything you desire; the statements will always ring true. That is where my hope lies.

"By his power he churned up the sea;

by his wisdom he cut Rahab to pieces.

By his breath the skies became fair;

his hand pierced the gliding serpent.

And these are but the outer fringe of his works;

how faint the whisper we hear of him!

Who then can understand the thunder of his power?”